Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Not even sure

I'm not even sure how to title this post. I really want to whine, and rant, but what would it do me? I think I am unable to get out of this funkiness I'm in. You know it is bad when you come home from church and cry. Not that anything was wrong with church, but I have so much guilt on my shoulders, like some how I just don't add up, or really belong.

Not that I particularly want to belong, I have never wanted to be part of the in crowd that isn't my desire. Honestly I want to know what is wrong with me?

I'm finding testimony meetings frustrating right now. I'm not feeling the spirit the way I should, and it shows in my attitude. I love the simple testimonies that stick to our 5 basic things and that seems to be the only way I feel the spirit speak to my soul.

Then the RS lesson on Visiting Teaching really got me down. Not that it wasn't a great lesson, it really was, but I wonder what is wrong with me? Why is it that Visiting Teaching has never done for me what it does for others? I have had on the occasion a Visiting Teacher I love, usually she has been a friend before this assignment, but it never lasts, they are moved to another assignment and I'm back to the beginning.

I have had times when I know I have made a difference in someones life going but usually not. I have had partners chew me out for messing up appointments, so between that and my phone phobia making appointments is a real challenge to get courage up to do. I don't mind going, I don't mind giving lessons but to pick up that phone while my heart pounds and I can hardly breathe is horrible. I hate it. When I find a friend that way, they want to do girl's nights out, but I don't do them. I have a husband and children that need me home. When Michael is home I want to be home, I spent enough years working graveyards that I honestly hate anytime away from home and my children, except during the day. I can do lunch, maybe go shopping. I will drag my little ones along, but hey that is what I can do. Evening forget it, they are precious, not to mention if I go out to spend money I would rather do it with my husband.

When I open up about troubles I have I get advice that doesn't work for me at my stage of life. Sorry, that is not what I want. See I am in a funk of some sort. I need something to uplift and inspire me. See I'm making this all about me, I shouldn't, I know that. I guess I haven't found the pattern that speaks to me so I can be of the best service. I'm not sure why it is so hard for me, when it is so easy for my husband to do his home teaching. He loves it, he really does, and he loves those he serves. He does the best he can. Why can't I learn from him?


Megan said...

Oh my heavens, I identify so much with so many of the things you said here. I won't say I know exactly how you feel because I'm sure I don't. But I feel so much the same way! the guilt and crying after church. the guilt that there's just something wrong and you don't add up. the fear of using the phone. I absolutely hate the phone. I even hate answering it--let alone calling someone! Feeling guilt about visiting teaching. Wanting to have friends but not being interested in "hanging out."I'm not the kind to call people to go to a movie or dinner...

But Tanya, I do want you to know you were the perfect visiting teacher for me when my babies were born. Your visits uplifted me so much. Your messages were so powerful. And I really felt like you understood me. Scheduling visits through blog messages was right up my ally!! ;-) I really admire you and am so grateful to count you as a friend. hugs.

Tigersue said...

You are so sweet. I was so sad when my VT route changed and you weren't on it any more. Can you tell. I don't do well with change? :)

The girls miss seeing Maggie. I don't blame you for not wanting to answer the phone, with twins I'm not sure I would want to either. At least I can say I don't mind answering, it is the actual picking up the phone to make a call that sends me through the roof.

You know you can email me anytime if you need too. I'm still emailing even if I'm not on facebook.

Michael said...

Sweetheart, I share some of the similar wonderments, I embraced the words of Sis. Vanessa Crowfoot on Sunday, though sometimes I feel I am coming up so short, the keep enduring and praying to notice the blessings--keeps me going. Even when the blessings are on our Heavenly Father's timing, not ours. I hope I have learned to listen better and not therapize you to feel more alone. I love you, Wolf