Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Grief Process

I have been angry. Really angry. There are somethings in this world that should not be and for some dumb, inexplainable reason they are. Sunday I was so upset I could hardly contain the depth of my emotion. Michael is busy in the morning with his calling so I couldn't try to bounce off of him what was going on. Somehow I made it through my lesson, but anytime I was alone with my thoughts I wanted to cry.

The person I'm angry with has no clue that I feel such feelings. He probably wouldn't even imagine it, but I am so frustrated with his example that he has shown his extended family that I'm really struggling with it. Years and years ago, he was the one that encouraged me to honor my Father and Mother, to obey the 5th commandment and I would now ask him what has he done? He has turned from the two people that raised him, he treats his family as if we are anathema. For what reasons I would ask? I wish I knew because anything I do know does not make sense. It is unreasonable, illogical, and horrible.

Why does he think it is okay to not call or visit his parents, particularly his mother? How does he think it is okay to not have any sort of relationship with his sisters? He and I were particularly close as teenagers, and this avoidance is wrong, wrong, wrong.

The point is, I came to understand the source of my anger. I'm grieving. I'm grieving for the loss of a brother that is still living, lives within 5 to 10 minutes of my parents home and I can't remember the last time I saw him, let alone talked to him. I'm grieving for the loss of a brother that has absolutely no care or concern for his family to find out how we are. He should be a leader, and director, and friend, a brother we can call and talk to when we are troubled. Instead he is a stranger, someone I know less about that some of my friends. He is no longer a brother, but an aquaintance.

I'm still grieving over the fact that he refused to come to my wedding. I'm grieving over the fact that he missed my parents 50th wedding anniversary. I'm grieving over the fact that I have no clue how to deal with him, and how to approach him. I'm angry that I have to face a life without my brother, the one that I could tell anything to many years ago, that now I can't say a thing to.

When I was 16 years old I never, ever would have imagined my brother to have done this. I never would have imagined him not being there when I needed him. I'm so grateful for my sisters because no matter the rotten things I do, or the missteps in what I say, they forgive me. They love me for who I am, no matter what.

Now the question is how to I heal the hole in my heart that has been empty for so long? How can I turn aside the anger so it won't cloud my judgement in the future? More time to read and pray and repent.


Cydney said...

Our loved ones tend to cause us the greatest joy and the deepest pain....I am so sorry for this pain you are feeling. I know personally how it is.

Noelie said...
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