Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Introspection

I have done lots of introspecting this past year. Living with the continual effects of PPD can do that to you I guess. Sometimes being self critical can be a good thing, that is when it leads to understanding, growth, and compassion.
One of my worst traits is, I can be lazy. It is easy to waste time, to put of housework, and chores. I would rather read, and play on the computer. :) Anything to avoid the reality of life and my inner heartaches and sorrows.
I could tell I'm healing because these inner thoughts become different in someways. The bad days are still really bad, and sometimes the bad days are worse than ever, but the good days are good, so here we go with somethings I have learned this past year.

It all started with watching Suzy Orman on Oprah. (I don't watch her anymore, not worth my effort.) Suzy on different shows mentions that the state of ones financial being is indicative of the state of ones emotional being. After listening to her and watching her, I realized she is right. So I started to look at other aspects of my life and what it means.

Since I had Abbie, I haven't done much cleaning, at least not like what I should, not in a good routine. The more I thought about it, the more depressed I would get, a viciouse cycle. Probably in October I came to the understanding the the state of my house directly reflects my emotional, and self well being. The private areas of my home have been cluttered and in chaos. Not horribly so, but enough to drive me crazy, bad enough it would really drive others nuts. The state of the areas of my home, others do not see, reflects the state of turmoil the hiden areas of my soul are to other people. I hide alot, not just from others but from myself. I have to clean the cobwebs from my mind to clean the cobwebs in the house.


I also discovered, that for me at least, the chaos and clutter is a sign of disrespect and lack of gratitude for what I have been given. Maybe it comes from telling the kids, "When you leave your clothes on the ground it tells me you don't care about them". So true, if I don't work on my home, if I don't clear out the clutter, get rid of things I don't use, then how grateful am I? I have decided that I am not grateful enough, and since that time I have tried to keep that in mind. I didn't do much with my house in December, some cleaning, working on my room, and more indepth work this week. We have much more to do, and I am trying to keep my thoughts in mind. (This is by not means saying that ingratitude is a sign of a cluttered house, I am only saying that for myself as a personl insight.)

1. I feel better with a clean house
2. I am more grateful when I clean, when I declutter.

I will never have a perfectly clean home, but I hope by utilizing the thoughts of what it means to be ordered, and grateful, it will help me overcome my deep depression, and look at life with a clearer understanding.
For me personally, the state of my home IS directly related to how I feel about myself, that is something I intend to change.
Mind you this is not a New Years Resolution, this has been an ongoing learning curve for me since the birth of Abbie and the onset of my PPD. I also have to accept that I have personal tendencies to be lazy, procrastinate, make excuses, and put of what needs to be done for personal wants.

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