Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Woman to Woman: Infertility and on recurrent loss.

This is a reprint of a couple of posts I did early in my blogging days. With the woman to woman topics about infertility and loss, I did not think I could do better than reprint my thoughts.

What I know about Miscarriage.

Okay so I have never knowingly suffered a miscarriage, I admit that freely. How can I understand what it is like? I suppose I can't? I do know that I may have had one when I lived in Wisconsin, it is what my Dr. suspected. I may have had several since my cycles always were at least 45 days, with extended bleeding problems. Since these were never diagnosed, I have never suffered what it is to loose a baby. I don't know what it is like and I'm grateful I have not had to go through that. What is do know is what I have seen. I have seen the majority of my sister-in-laws have miscarriages. I have seen how they each have dealt with it in different ways. I have had a sister suffer a miscarriage, and the emotional upheaval it brought to her life, to the point that her now ex husband couldn't see it through with her after the covenants he made and divorced her. I have had a former Visiting Teaching companion that had 10 miscarriages before her Dr.'s decided that she had a hormone problem in keeping pregnancies and they started her on high doses of progesterone, after 2 more miscarriages, she finally had a son. I have sat at the bedside of a couple that opted to abort a baby that had fatal birth defects rather than give birth to watch that child suffer. I have had a dear friend have a stillborn child. I have seen her grief and pain, and the dignity she has carried through that trial. I have known other women that have lost babies before they could be viable because of severe birth defects. I have seen the sorrow and grief in their eyes. I have taken care of a woman that her first and only baby was still born, and then she became so sick that the only way to save her life was to perform a hysterectomy. Perhaps I don't "know" the personal grief of not giving birth to a living baby, but I think I have some empathy for those that have. I have cried, and pleaded to my Father in Heaven to grant the dearest wish of these women's hearts. I have cried, and pleaded that they would find comfort and healing in their hearts. That is all I have wanted to see wishes and dreams fulfilled, knowing that life doesn't always give us what we want. So I haven't lost a baby, but I know the fear of loosing one. With Abbie and Kendra I started to spot the day I found out I was pregnant. The spotting went on for weeks! I constantly prayed to not loose those babies, some how I was lucky and blessed to have them come healthy and whole. So I haven't lost a baby, but with what I do and did for a living, I was constantly aware of all that could go wrong. I never lived a moment of those 8 or 9 months worrying about what could happen, of counting down the weeks, and I could picture what the baby would look like if born prematurely. I have fretted and paced when I wasn't sure when I last felt a baby move. Perhaps I don't know what it is like to loose a baby, but I think I have enough empathy to share.

What I know about Infertility

I know what it is like to what a baby so bad that you cry at night. You cry when you hear of the news of a loved one expecting a baby when you can't. You cry every fast Sunday when a baby is blessed and yours isn't there. You cry when you hear of other's that suffer the same loss. Yes I have 4 lovely children, but for years I thought I would only have two. I wanted more and I cried for more. I learned that I had a precancerous condition that when I did research on it I found most women with it have cancer within five years of diagnosis. I had to be on the pill to keep it at bay. I didn't dare go off of it because until I knew what I could do to help my hormones do it myself, I didn't want to risk the chance of cancer. Looking back this is a condition that I have had since Natasha was 6 months old. After I had her, my cycles never really got back on track, and then I started to really have troubles. My doctor did what he called a medical D&C and put me on high doses of birth control pills. Then I had to take them for about a year. Then we tried for Collin and I had to take Clomid, which worked great for that pregnancy. After that nothing worked, and then I had that diagnosis and I completely accepted that I wouldn't have anymore children, that was roughly in 1998. Now I'm blessed to have two lovely babies, all because I listened to the spirit and found a diet that helped me work with my hormone problem. It is a great Miracle in my life, one I'm profoundly grateful for. It doesn't mean that I'm more loved, or better than anyone else, just that somehow my prayers were answered in a way I didn't expect, particularly when I had stopped praying for another child several years ago.
Here is a copy of a post I put in our family blog on January 10th.
Tonight I was holding Kendra, something that doesn't happen very often, and I was remembering how much I love this little girl. She has brought so much joy to our family, we waited so long for another child and to be blessed with her and to be reminded of it tonight made me cry. Not that my other children aren't special, they are, but to me Kendra is the word miracle in of itself, and now we have Abbie, I don't always remember that feeling of joy at least not in that simple way. I have such wonderful feelings when I'm cuddling Abbie, and feel her soft hair on my cheek. I love newborns and their sweet innocence of Life. I've tried to really enjoy these two babies, because I didn't fully appreciate the first two wonderful children. I'm not sure I will every appreciate them the way that I should. I'm trying to learn and I hope it is not too late.

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