Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Woman to Woman: In this skin

I remember as a young girl not worrying too much about my age. I always felt comfortable where I was at in time and did not seem to rush things too much. Perhaps that had to do with the fact that I was so self conscious about how I looked, (not being thin), so my age seemed like such a small problem. I could do nothing to change that.

I think the only think I really wanted to rush was to be able to turn 14 and go to youth conferences and dances. Sixteen was not even that much of a push for me, I was excited to turn 16 but I knew that I would not date much anyway, and driving well, let us just say that today I do not care to drive too much.

The only time in my life when I felt older than my age was around 29 to 30 years old, I had two young children and my husband all of a sudden found out he needed to return to school to get some extra classes for a license that would not accept all the credits he had earned in his post graduate degree. I had switched jobs and was working at a hospital in SLC that required me to work 24 hours extra a month on-call. Most of the nurses were never called in, but that year it seemed that every shift I was scheduled for I was called in. Since I did not have my children in day care and I was working nights, I had split up my shifts so I was not working them back to back. In this case, I was literally working every other night for a year, with very little sleep in-between. As anyone knows that has worked those kinds of hours, the body does not like you at all. I started to show grey hair, I would get migraines easily and I ended up with two soft tissue injuries in that year, a back injury and a sprained ankle. In that time I felt so much older than I was, it was a shock to my system. I think it took several years for me to recover from that time.

Now I worry about having the energy and the health to take care of my two little sweethearts. I will be 41 this year and the knowledge that I will be in my 60's before these two children can even come close to independence sometimes seems a bit daunting to me. Will have the ability to support them in all the things they do in the next several years.

I don't worry about wrinkles, or cellulite, or all the superficial signs of age, but the concern of being able to continue to care for others, not just myself, or my children and spouse, but my parents as they age. I think that at this point my husband and I would be the ones to care for them if they needed it. I know Noelie would do what she could but financially she would not be able too much there, my other two sisters are single, and my brother is not close emotionally to the family. All of those things weigh on my mind daily, and I am often wondering how I will manage the trials of the future. The older I get the less capable I feel. That for me has been the hardest part of growing older; I have lost the innocence of my youth, and early 20's. I have lost the confidence that I can do what God asks of me to do. I often doubt my own worthiness, and abilities in many ways. I have known women that feel more confident as they are given opportunities, for me I feel less secure. I have a hard time not comparing myself with other women and the things they do. Perhaps in the end I really am not very confident in the skin I am in.

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