Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Why I fear chastisment

My husband asked me a simple question last night. "How do you feel about companion inventories?" Personally I have no idea, not having served a mission I don't know what kind of love or positive feedback can be obtained, but I immediately felt a withdrawal. I wanted to close down and draw away. First off, dealing with PPD as been very hard, I am so hard on myself and it is all I can do to not crawl into bed and stay there for hours and ignore the two little ones. I am grateful for the fact that I enjoy my time with them. Still I realized last night where that reaction came from. I had talked about it before with him, and I already knew that some things that happened in my preteen and teen years have scared me for life. That has been the hard thing to get over.

I remember going to sleep over parties after my family moved to the house my parents are in now. The girls in the area easily counted 13, most members, a few not and we would get together for sleep over parties. Inevitably there would be some huge fight, usually instigated by the "dominate female(s) in the group, fighting over the attention of one other girl and soon nearly the whole group would be caught up in bickering that would end in hurt feelings and tears, usually on the part of the one holding the party. Then as a "show" of unity they would all gather around and tell some negative aspect of each person in the room, everyone would have a turn at this. I'm sure they also had to say something positive, but all I remember is the negative. For me it was, I talked about Calgary too much, I talked funny, I was stuck-up(because I was shy), I was fat, I was loud sometimes, and I was too good in church. Now some of that is not to bad in the long run, but to this day, I worry about what others think about me. I don't take criticisms well at all, it burns me to the core. I am so hard on myself and that I cringe at the thought of involvement with others. I don't know how to hold onto good friends. I worry that people might find me strange or weird if I talk too loud, or if I am anti-social because I don't like being in big groups. I find activities make me sick, and anxious not knowing what will happen. I pull away from anyone that might want to be a friend.
I am not even sure how to get over the lack of trust from being burned so many times. I started this blog in part to let some of my dearest friends know how I am doing, yet I have no clue if they even visit because most don't comment. I have a couple that do from time to time and comment when they can. I have found some good online friends that make me smile, and laugh, and occasionally cry.
I'm not even sure why I am writing this today, perhaps because I have learned something more about myself and that can lead to the process of change. It helps me understand more as to why I don't care for RS, or visiting teaching. It helps me understand why I don't like to go to too many parties. Maybe somehow I can figure out how to excise these demons from my heart and soul.

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