Welcome to Tigersue's Jungle. Here you may find a Jungle of thoughts and idea's. You may never know what you will find!
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Pity Party

I am down in the doldrums once again. After eight days of seeing the sun and feeling good, Im back in that state of wondering who I am and why I am struggling so much. I have had too many pity parties and Im trying so hard to get over them and the harder I try the more I have. It was nice to be relaxed and enjoy life. It was nice to feel the love around me and give love in return. Im not sure what happened but suddenly I feel like I am back at the bottom of the pile of rocks and have to figure out how to climb back up without causing another avalanche.

I know the answer is to get busy and do what I need to do but it so hard right now. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. It has been hard to even take care of my girls the way I normally do. I know if someone was here to do it I would be in bed catatonic to the rest of the world and what is going on around me. Maybe Im suffering from not giving enough service. Im also suffering from a sense of being undervalued and constantly giving up myself just to keep from hurting someone elses feelings, never mind that my feelings are tender and bruised just the same. I know, like I said Im having a major Pity Party and perhaps I just want to throw a tantrum as well as my two year old child.

Maybe I just wish I could have a good cry, something I havent been able to do since I started these antidepressants. I dont cry for sorrow and I dont cry for the happy. I used to cry when something would touch the core of my soul. Not anymore. The only time tears come are when Im really, really sad and hurting in side, and they are not the good kind of cleansing tears that when they are over I feel that I have worked it all out. Nope I just sit here like an old cold stone, unmovable and hard.

After a week of feeling the sunlight and joy, it is kind of rough to feel this way again. Oh if I could only go back to yesterday and start this week over, maybe I could find a way to halt this onslaught of negative feed back. Hopefully a really good nights sleep with heal and mend and I will be back to feeling like me tomorrow. I need to find something that will heal my tender spirit because at the moment Im not sure it can take more bruising from the world, real or imagined. So perhaps not inspirational today, or uplifting, it is me at this time.

I am trying to continue to read Mere Christianity; I know I need to make more time for that. I also need to read my scriptures today.

It was good to see David at The Whole Note posting yesterday. I hope he gets feeling better soon.

I have to remember that Life is what I make of it and that there are many good and noble things to look at each day. Maybe I need to go back and review some of the posts at We Seek after These Things, which is why I started it, to help me see the good in life.

Get out of the doldrums Tanya, there is too much to do and too many things to see to hide away and do nothing. Cheer up and sing with Kendra. Cheer up and play with Abbie. Smile for Natasha and Collin when they come home so they can see the love of their mother.

One last note, Natasha passed her drivers test, so now I need to figure out a time to get her in to get her license. Good job daughter. Natasha and Collin also have a piano recital today.

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