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Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Today was the first time I came home from church not feeling the most uplifted. Usually, even when I was at the lowest of my depression I would feel good and happy after my time in primary, but the closing talk in church today I wilted emotionally inside, I truly felt chastised instead of inspired, and uplifted. I don't think it was the speakers fault entirely, I'm sure my own preparedness and preparations to be open to the teachings of the spirit was hindered in someway. Maybe I'm to learn some humility, I don't know? I had this overwhelming feeling of not doing enough, not being enough, of being to selfish, and too stand offish. All I know as the talk went on, I slumped more in my seat, hung my head down more, and genuinely wanted it to be over so the pain could stop. It didn't help that I was feeling so bad, about feeling so bad about a prepared and Through out talk. Primary didn't even lift my spirits like it normally would do. truly sad, when I wanted to feel the love of the Lord so much, when I need to feel the love of the Lord so much, and I just walk away feeling like I'm one complete failure. I don't want you to think that I'm off in some dark place, because I'm not, but I think that is because of the antidepressant, otherwise I think I would have dipped into a pretty deep despair. Instead I have to hold onto the inspiration and things I learned in my personal scripture study this morning. That is where I felt taught by the Spirit today.

5 comments:

Téa said...

I'm so sorry it felt tha way today. I think it's disappointint to come away from a place you expect to be refreshing and find yourself put through the wringer instead. I had many moments like that nearing the end of last year, to the point where I was ready to just stay home for a while and with no calling at the time, it would have been pretty easy to do =)

I read some of Geoff J's wonderful posts on personal revelation at New Cool Thang (he's not all about wild speculation, hee hee) and that helped me to seek more earnestly the Holy Spirit in my life, which helped get me through the other painful times.

JD said...

Thanks for dropping in on my bloggy. Sorry about your bummer day.

Here is advice of the worst kind....unsolicited. My remedy for crappy days=
Spoungebob Squarepants+chocolate+forgive myself+more chocolate. Repeat if necessary.

Keep-up Kicking the depression monster in the teeth!!

MomR said...

I am sorry to hear that your Sunday wasn't a good one. I is very dissappointing to go to church and expect to be uplifted and then not have that happen. I hope it doesn't happen often for you. I'm glad you are on the antidepressant and that it is working for you so that didn't get as down as you would have otherwise. My prayers are with you and I love you.

Michael said...

Hi, I think you're on the right track regarding the introspection to see what can be different, for next time... I love you and know that the swings can be draining and discouraging, stay strong and know that I am with you, and our Heavenly Father is with you always, via his Spirit... I'm looking forward to our date, Friday.

Love, Wolf

The Daring One said...

That is so hard and sounds so familiar. I totally understand this post. You know what I'm talking about. That is all.